041424
i regret to infom that upon trying to add to my shit it seems i've taken away about a year & a half of (very sporatic) entries. however i dont have my physical notebook anymore so i cant fix it. im actually a little fucking devistated. but whatever. i dont and havent needed this site for a while now. i just like keeping my thoughts in order. but its time to do that somewhere else. i am telling myself that these entires dont matter. because they dont. this is history i do not want. i so intentionally documented my 'self brain-washing'. forgetting myself. i'll do that again now for better reasons. i'll forget this part of me, not the time i spent being this person, but the way i recorded it here. it was with awful intentions that i do not have anymore. there is nothing left for me to do here.












100121
this is getting ridiculous. i was trying to find a new layout for my twitter, because thats the kind of thing that matters @ 2AM now.

planet starbucks. oh, the irony. reading fight club, teaching myself against consumerism, in the middle of a literal.. starbucks. people bustle around me, in & out.
no one disturbs me in the slightest. so calm. with my book & my little oatmeal cup. sitting at this table alone for what feels like at least an hour. does anybody form an
opinion of me during this time?





092021






091721
HAHAHA FUUCK HEY EVERYONE. my entry consistency has gone to absolute shit. but its not like these r going to matter until im dead anyways so its all the
same to you guys. anyways i have been up to SO god damn much. been meaning to fill you in for months. lets try to do that now.. well firstly im seeing that in my last
entry i said i was going to try not to talk to my dad until i moved out. obviously not possible, i live with the man. things have been pretty okay between us honestly, not much
to report on him. still drives me insane at least twice a week but thats.. just our way of life i think. i havent been taking my medicine. i cold-turkied myself off 150mg zoloft &
HOoH do i feel good. five days ago i was genuinely ready to kill myself BUT im alright now. ive been off of it siiince i wanna say august 12th? or sometime around then. my mood
goes up & down like crazy which is odd because zoloft is an ssri, not a mood stabilizer. but i yanked myself off of a medicine id been taking for nearing four years so of course it would
effect my mood. i like it though, i feel like im thinking & feeling more. whereas on meds i felt about the same every day. a mental plateu if you will. apathetic. bored. disenaged. plus ssris
make you less susceptible to hunger cues appearantly? fuck you! no wonder im fat! not for much longer though. ive been freaked about my weight for a few years but im just now starting
to do something about it. bought a fitbit & a fitbit scale. counting my steps. getting better at not overeating. i have a long way to go but it feels good. I WENT TO TEXAS?? THAT
HAPPENED. never been inside an airport until august 19th. hopped on a plane to pensacola florida, flordia to houston, & houston to austin. spent an amazing 7 days with my niko.
saw spidergang in dallas on the 25th. holy FUCK are those guys talented. musically, sure, but their stage presence is indescribable. anything & everything is so much more enjoyable /
tolerable with niko next to me. he really makes me feel like i can do anything. which is going to come in handy when.. yknow. speaking of; i am getting so terribly impatient. it was
vodka's birthday recently. my beautiful, wonderful patron saint. you'll be seventeen forever. ive almost outlived you and i cant stand it. im not going to die a teenager and i cant STAND it.
i want out of here so so so badly. im finding that even when im occupied / happy / things are going well, i still want to do what im going to do. its very reassuring. funny that i need reassurance
from my own brain. like maybe i am the kind of person i make fun of, only clinging to violence because im bored or alone or sad. but no. even when everything is as good as its ever been,
who i am & what im here to do does not change. i was born for them & i'll die for them. meeting niko was the best possible thing that could happen to me in this lifetime. finding him has
done so many amazing things for me. i am so thankful for him & to him. this boy is going to be my way out & is the only thing that matters up until then. my niko is my everything.
i think maybe if i go with him, i wont have to come back. maybe it took this many tries for our souls to live in the same time. and now we're here. and we're still suffering. but we have
finally gotten to each other. finding him felt like reaching a long-term goal while simultaniously kicking off the start of the longest journey ive ever been on. & now, as you can tell by
my wording, i am 'getting into my headassery.' im just really fucking in love & really fucking eager to die. in other much less whimsical news, i spent like $200 on dvds lol. i am now
the proud owner of fight club, a clock work orange, inglorious basterds, natural born killers, fear & loathing in las vegas, primal fear, the fifth element, the shining, full metal jacket,
2001 a space oddesy, the matrix, matrix reloaded, kill bill, kill bill 2, himizu, the ring, ring, the grudge, ju-on, ju-on 2, the silence of the lambs, the doors, jackass, deadpool, one flew over
the cuckoos nest, american history x, devils rejects, house of 1000 corpses, 3 from hell, 31, the lords of salem, himizu AND pink floyd the wall. with a whopping total of 33 movies.
ahh well its almost 2am now. tired, i worked today & im cutting grass in the morning. ill be sleeping now then. goodnight.





091421
Corny huh? Teenage girl writing about not belonging. "Join the fucking club", you're thinking. No one wants to be here. We're all stressed out. We're all struggling.
But we persist. May I ask why? Why do we persist? What for? There's no way not to sound like the stereotypical 'We're all gonna die.' asshole here but, we're all going to die.
Why are you all so hellbent on entertaining yourselves until then? Doesn't it feel demeaning? We all know where we're going, we all know it happens whenever and wherever.
Why do you spend your lives making yourself comfortable just to have it taken away? Oh but Mila you have to make the best of it! You only live once, don't throw it away
because you're a seventeen year old girl that's pissed off at everyone! I disagree. I don't believe we're only here once. I certainly don't believe this is my first time here.
The thoughts & feelings that run through this body are not thoughts & feelings that have accumulated in 17 years. This is centuries of hate. This is centuries of being a bitchy teenager.
I've lived, probably more lives than I could count on both my hands. and I'm done, or at least I want to be. I've seen what I want to see and I've done just about everything I want to do.
That brings me to this life. This body, this brain. My soul is so tired. Mila is young but my spirit is, for lack of a better phrase, ran through. I've been happy & I've been sad. I've been
everything in between & beyond. knowing of all this, I wonder why I keep coming back. Every time it goes dark & I exhale for the last time, I hope finally that I'll be allowed to rest.
Next thing I know, I'm 10 or 12 and I'm doing it all again in a different place at a different time.





062721
happy 18th birthday my love. its been a bad one huh. im sorry. im so sorry. i cause so many more problems than i fix and im so so sorry. i had a fucking amazing 20 days
with you. im crashing so hard already. i slept without you last night. got to kiss you this morning very briefly though. i miss you so much. my dad is insane. my dad is truly
truly crazy. but not crazier than me! & certainly not smarter. he can do whatever he wants for the next 6 months, im out of here on december 22nd. im not going to talk to him.
almost at all if i can help it. he says things & expects me to forget them once the argument has dissipated. ah took a break from writing and im on another thought now. called my
grandma and smoked. my dad bought me gum & a tea lol. thanks, really. i needed gum. i like tea. thank you. this does not change anything youve said or done. he keeps saying 'whats
so bad about being here?' & idk what to tell him. idk how to summarize.. this. not in a way that hes going to acknowledge. now hes making me feel really bad about this HOOOHAAAH
hoohah... help... im stuck in the suez canal...





051821
ONCE AGAIN I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO WRITE FOR A WEEK AND HAVE NOT SAID A SINGLE THING. hello. i got a JOB. shits crazy. its been really nice so far,
i started last monday. my first day i was with a girl named caitlynn but shes 18 so they had her on morning shifts the rest of the week. i think that turned out to be a good thing
though because i needed to be reminded that im not there to make friends. im there to make money and get the fuck out of here. out of this house, out of this state, out of this body.
recreational money included, because what is killing myself if not recreational? ive been having a lot of noteworthy thoughts after work & i cant seem to access them right now.
just the irony of everything i guess. how fucked up it all is, how easy it is, and how FUN it is. fun is probably the wrong word because i dont think fun is supposed to hurt like this.
but what do i know! yknow what i know? god worked at blackjack pizza. did i say nikos coming over on the fifth? CUZ HOLY FUCK NIKOS COMING OVER ON THE FIFTH.
my BABY is coming to my little hermithole of a home. im so nervous. im so so nervous. WHAT IF HE DOESNT LIKE ME. i KNOW he likes me but what if hes like nah shes even
weirder up close. N CAL. CALVIN. IS ALSO COMING. ??????????? CANT BELIEVE MY DAD AGREED TO THAT. i guess when i finish school on time & start making money
i get treated a little differently huh? but what if they hate it here. what if they like each other more than me. what if they already do, they might? they wouldnt tell me if they did??
would they? DOES IT MATTER? NO. cuz im dying one way or another and i really like to believe nikos coming with me. if he ever decides not to idk what i'd do. im not gonna say
ooooh if you leave me im gonna kms. because im gonna kms either way its just a matter of if youre coming with me or not. BLEHG OFF TOPIC! ANYWAY! being in love is insane.
my world revolves around this boy. my mood revolves around his and my happiness revolves around how useful i can be to him. gooooood thats all i want is to be useful. whether thats
trying to make him feel better, agreeing with bullshit that pisses him off, keeping him company on dbd, or fending off rabid meth addicts that keep showing up at his doorstep. i just. EFUVHIFFFFVWNBNCDKJUFK. in love. in love. in love and it hurts so good. id do anything for him. that doesnt feel like a strong enough sentence though. people say 'id do
anything for you' so freely and rarely mean Anything. but i do. mmm we got these fan accounts for each other now. niko cal n i. not gonna lie it irked me at first. what do we need accounts
for? just text each other. but i kinda get it now. i just get so on edge over anyone else expressing adoration for my niko, even when its cal & we love him right back. human emotions are
fucking disgusting and useless! get money! die! simple! one track! get a goal and beeline for it! stop fuckin around! thats the moral of all of this i think. none of this shit matters!
all the shit we get upset about on the daily? WHO CARES. WE ARE BLOWING OUR SKULLS APART. these stupid fucking brains in us are gonna be swept into trashbags ya dummies!
OH to jump to something unrelated in almost any way I WANT TO FUCKING CUT MYSELF. everyone gets to bleed but meeeeee T__T i did a few little ones on my arm a feek weeks
ago actually and it was heavenly. arms really do hit different than legs. both! i want scars up n down both! all my limbs needs to be opened and drained. when i die just rip me apart. dont do
an autopsy just get in there with ur hands and grab whatever u want. my dog needs to shit now and when i get back in the house my brain will be on something different so i might end this here.
nothing ive been meaning to say all week has been typed. mostly because i have so many thoughts about The Public and People and Society at work & then i get home & its like brrrrr gotta put
weed in me & forget every feeling ive had all day. ok my dog is gonna lose his mind i gtg now. i am overflowing with hatred have a nice day.





042321
fuckimng hell ive been meaning to write all day & have not gotten to it. i have no more to say about the 22nd celebration of our Holy Day. except that i forget there
are people who read this besides niko. i have maybe TWO active followers on neocities that have left very nice guestbook messages. i check my guestbook often, it feels
a little pathetic if i do it too often but. i appreciate them all a lot. anyway. i spent today with my grandma & uncle again, which is almost always nice. i get to talk a lot more
than with my dad. theyre open to having their minds changed about things. we can have healthy arguements and i love it. i love trying to convince people of something. whereas
with my dad, hes right & im wrong & thats the end of that. im happy to say that i can finally grasp that hes not trying to be malicious, thats just 'the way he is'. & i hate that phrase
because i dont think people are a 'way'. you change. youre capable of change its a matter of if you want to. & i mean.. your additude towards things can change. your values & shit
dont but opinions are not meant to be concreate. if you dont change the way you think as you age, youre only aging physically. .. which is just.. attaching your mind to your body...............
anyywaaygshyyy UMM whatgelse i uhm. my mom. yeah? yeah. my mom is dead and has been in a jar on my grandmas dresser for over three years. my mom is not in a god damn jar.
she put that into me you know? the fact that once you die, you arent in your body anymore. i forget why or when she told me that but it was more than once & FUCK did it stick
with me. the idea of this shitsack going limp & my mind going ANYWHERE else drove me crazy. still drives me crazy. im so wildly obsessed with the idea of not being ATTACHED
TO THIS BODY. i hate it in here! you know how i know we arent just our bodies? D.I.D. i have five fucking people inside my head bro!!! do they have souls?? does independant
thought make you human? are alters human? do they get out of me when we die? do they go anywhere or is it really just.... a mental illness and theyre me. but theyre not me so fuck you.
FUCK . you. what RLSE. um. my uncle asked me if i wished my mom was still here & i said not really. i said im happier now & i know thats not because shes gone but i would have never
gotten better in that house because SHE wasnt getting better & she wasnt taking care of herself & it was going to happen sooner or later. they always say oh but your mom was so good before
she got sick, your dad was never there. i get that but i also know why & my dad is human as well. he had a drug problem and shouldnt have been around me like that anyway. plus i do not
remember 2008-2013. majority of my memories with my mom are from when she was sick. not ALL. but yknow. the human brain does that. im smoking now and calming down just a bit.
so im gooonnnnaaa go.. until next timewwwwwfuck you all





042021
22 years! happy columbine day everyone. i say 'happy' in the most bittersweet way possible. its like i always say :) there were two columbine victims and their names
were reb & vodka. for real though i thought about it for a while today and i .. jokes aside, do not mourn The Thirteen whatsoever. but thats not very shocking when you know
i didnt cry at my own mothers funeral. its not very shocking when you know how i deal with & react to things. which is part of the reason i try to interact with as few people as possible.
i dont like explaining myself. i dont like always explaining Why im so "interested" in them or why i defend them or speak so highly of them. because its not an interest, its not part of liking
true crime at this point. yes i like other cases and shit but columbine isnt columbine, its dylan & eric. its what theyre fucking doing to our heads. but i wouldnt have it any other way. & even
if i DID want to be stupid again.. i cannot. anywaaaay got way off topic but today is also eight months with my niko <3 <3 <3 thats a lotta months. not a dent in the rest of our lives though.
ah shit my dad needs help in the kitchen now ill finish this later. i love dylan and eric





040721
HAHA good afternoon neocities! ive been meaning to write for so long but this mornings events rly topped it off. did i tell you i killed a baby mole?! dont think so.
well i did! at least i think it was a mole. it was a baby something anyway. but i found it in my driveway a few weeks ago, it didnt even have its eyes open. it couldnt walk &
was clearly dying. i rolled it into the grass to let it die but once i got in the house it struck me that this was the perfect opportunity to collect some tiny bones. the dahmer influence
is alive folks. i dont live according the man, but id be fucking him over if i didnt give him the credit of putting certain things in my head. never been super inclined to any sort of
cannibalism, but the killing/collecting of small animals for their bones stems from him alone. and the intrusive necrophilia thoughts but thaaaat is for another day!! anywho i put him in
a little jar & drowned him in rubbing alcohol. why does blood come out of mammals noses when they die? i think thats neat, especially when its in liquid and you can see the blood
swirl around. i covered majority of its body in rubbing alcohol & put the lid on the jar. then i put him upstairs in my suitcase pocket with all my other contraband. stayed there for a
few weeks as i previously mentioned. but today. HEH. today.. i opennn him up ))))))) my dad slept in a little so i figured why not. i didnt want it to start rotting. rubbing alcohol preserves
things but not for long. it was only 70% alcohol i believe. so i grab my Mole Jar & my 100pc pack of razors i got off amazon.. i go downstairs. i put on some gloves & a mask for
dramatic effect. this is a medical procedure after all! & i begin. (note an extra five minutes of staring in the mirror like 'you are insane. you are very odd. you are dangerous and sexy.')
i start in the middle of it, as straight as i can, down the center of its chest. the sound of fur ripping is cool. i thought it was the skin but it obviously wasnt because it took a few
cuts to actually open it. turns out things have multiple layers of skin. plus the fact it was a baby and not done growing/developing yet. first thing i hit was its intestines i think.
i say i THINK because it is a tiny animal with tiny organs and i couldnt tell if it was just a stringy piece of clotted blood or if i was disembowling it. always wanted to disembowl
something though! i think the intestines, stomach & liver all came out at once. again i couldnt tell the difference, everything is tiny and bloody. once i got the lower half of its body emptied
i kinda went into my little trance & just gutted the rest of it. actually managed to turn it inside out. i get blood on my hands & black out LOL silly little mila facts. long story short, baby
animal bones are VERY fragile and WILL break if youre trying to violently rip skin & meat off of them. who knew this baby mole had so much MEAT on him i stg. between skin & muscle
& whatever, you can imagine how hard it was to pinpoint any bones. and when it was hard/sharp enough to identify as bone, i broke most of them. i ended up getting a good section of ribcage
& spine. three limbs & two very small pieces of the skull. upset i broke the skull. the skin on the head is a lot harder to separate from bone than the rest of the body. like.. the cheek skin. the
whisker area was so difficult to get off the face bones. that was how i broke the skull, at some point i stopped trying to cut it & just ripped it off. and it went crunch. i was like ah fuck. OH but
i did manage to get the jaw!! the top & bottom of it, his tongue is still there too. freaky lookin. ok so i took a break from writing this and lost my words but.. i wanted to say that while i was
cleaning it all up, my dad woke up & needed to use the bathroom. I WAS NOT DONE YET. I HAVE SOAP IN THE SINK. A MASK ON. A PACK OF RAZORS. A BOTTLE OF
RUBBING ALCOHOL. AND A JAR OF SMALL BODY PARTS. YOU CANNOT USE THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW. luckily (??) i had a plastic bag with me & basically swept it
all in the bag at once. but of course things couldnt go THAT smoothly. my pack of razors missed the bag & all 99 of them spilled onto the floor. i couldnt get them all picked up since
my dad was practically yelling his way into the bathroom. so i left a bunch of them on the floor. and he ALMOST left the bathroom without questioning it. but he was like whatre
all these little papers. & i was like idk i was throwing them away, what are they. so he unwraps one. & hes like OH. Great! whered you get these mila? & my panic reaction is always to
act clueless but that doesnt work well with my dad. i said idk what youre talking about what are they. (theyre razors). so the quickest thing i could come up with was '??? are they yours????
if i had razors id be using them.' & i showed him i have no new cuts. i said if i KNEW i HAD them id be USING them. but he was all pissy and just stormed back off to bed. a few hours later
he woke up to smoke n i was like 'ok yeah i stole them from somewhere a long time ago and i forgot i had them there. i was trying to throw them away without you knowing because of this
exact conversation. Yes i had them. I Forgot. I am not CUTting Againaggf motehfucekrs WHY DO YOU CAAAAARE IF I BLEED A LITTLE EVERY ONCE INA WHILE FOR MY
OWN AMUSEMENT. cant wait until i dont have to check in with my dad about that. it is 5pm now idek what im talking about anymore. my dog is so annoying. theres people outside
because the weather is nice & he will not shut up about it. ive been eating too much lately. not today though. we have an entire freezer full of salmon & healthy meals so im gonna try to
eat only those until theyre gone. theyre actually really tasty most of the time. i dont think i use the word tasty often, that felt weird. tasty. thats an uncomfortable word. jesus christ im going to
gut my dog next. please stop making noise. this is why cats. ugh i cant wait to have cats with my boyfriend so they can look out the big window in our house facing the mountains.
ohhhhhhhhh....oh i need a job. i am saving all my money i am never spending money. i need to get out of ohiooo..hhjhnhnh i play minecraft now





031621
overwhelmed! is all. so overwhelmed. by my niko. i just cant believe hes mine. after everything we've both been through, we're together. and if i were
reading the shit i'm typing rn two years ago id be like shut the fuck up you sappy motherfucker your relationship is not the be-all and end-all of your life. but now??
fuck YOU, 15yr old mila. my relationship IS the be-all and end-all of my life. and many others! this isn't like any of the relationships i was making fun of.
no one i've ever made fun of has felt what niko makes me feel. god i'm so tired but this feeling is worth remembering. this weird nostalgia for all the eras of niko ive never known.
it almost feels like mourning. but i know he's the same person and the things he went through made him into who im in love with today. i said if we'd known in each other in middle
school i wouldve hated him. i think that came off a bit harsher than i intended. i just have such a distain for cheerleaders and gymnasts because everyone in my class thought the girls
who could do back handsprings were sooo cooool and i was chubby and talentless and homicidal. i just never learnt to properly feel envy. if i was jealous of you i hated ur guts and
wanted ur head on a platter. there was no time for feeling sorry for myself for being less fortunate. the girls in my class that were talented weren't even PRETTY though. but niko. niko
was so fucking hot all the fucking time and if i saw someone looking like that walking around my school i'd see them as the biggest threat known to man. i fear what i cannot match,
therefore i have become unmatchable! and that's why now, 16/17 year old mila is juuuuust mature enough to say hey. you have ur face&body and i have mine. nothing is going to change
that. i may dislike the way i look, but it does nothing but waste energy to hate you for being more conventionally attractive than me. ANYWAY. my boyfriend is so sexy i cant stand it. i cant
believe he has feelings for me at all let alone as much as he says he does. if i had a crush on him before he had one on me, i would have NEVER approached him. too good looking. out of
my league. not a chance. not worth getting my hopes up. and HELL when he sent me that picture for my long-forgotten alyssa bustamante edit i BLOCKED HIM. because he was HOT. i got
SCARED. i said oooooh no. we are not catching feelings for someone on tcctwt. but fate! fate fate always fate. the cheesier the better, assholes, you're just mad you'll never experience this.
this is what dylan wrote about. true, destined, pure love. he knew this existed, he just thought it was for him. and i've spent my time feeling guilty about that. having the love that dylan wanted so
badly. i don't deny he would've preferred to go out with his soulmate. but that wasn't his .. yknow. fate. it's ours. & it's fucking disgusting to type out because i've always preached that love is not
the answer. but this is more than love, i was born to die next to that boy. i'm so tired. i'm so in love. i realize how haughty i sound but i don't care. i'm so so so in love and i have every right to
brag about it.





030121
listening to all the beatles albums in rapid succession within 48 hours changes a person





022821
hi everyone, 1:31pm sunday february twenty eighth. i mentioned that ive began making some videos again, but ive had a few things to say (that i already said in
my videos) that id like to reiterate on here. firstly, i went out with julia a few days ago. shes been.. weirder than usual. she says shes 'grown sensitive to the smell of
weed' but flat-out told me she was doing dabs with some boy she likes bc 'dabs and vapes dont smell as bad'.. like oooofuckingkay just say you dont want to come over.
she wasnt weird irl? we went to a bunch of stores and dinner and had a great time. shes just... idk. idk. i cant say much because ive had more than my fair share of times
where i was acting weird towards her too.. so. i get it. im not upset with her or anything.. just.. rubbed the wrong way. but thats not what i wanted to say about that
night. what i wanted to say was, while we were in goodwill, i experienced another one of those semi out of body experiences where it feels like im in a movie. like these
coincidences cant possibly be real. like i cant possibly be the ONLY one seeing these things happen. there were two ladies, one older and one middleaged. speaking very
loudly about "how can you pray every night for peace on earth and then be mean to your neighbor the next day" & "we just need to get the kids to see that". lol.
right in front of me?! & julia didnt even hear it, she was in the next aisle buying childrens clothes to resell to 'skinny alt girls' on depop. so i was completely alone in
this scenario. goodwill was pretty goddamn empty at 7pm too. & these ladies had to chat about world peace right in FRONT of me. i swear they didnt even see me. i was
near staring at them & neither of them even looked in my direction. sometimes i think im projected into these situations just for divine insight. like maybe they didnt see me.
maybe i was in the next aisle with julia. but thats just.. idk. id say unrealistic but when have i ever limited myself to realism? i found it funny. talking about world peace
in front of someone who would slit your throats right here & now if she were able. lucky pieces of shit. continue praying though. ease urselves for as long as you can i guess.
ignorance makes my skin crawl. im sure ive said it before but how do you live 24hrs a day with your eyes closed.. pity pity pity. what else? i slept at my grandmas last night.
shit hurts. that woman is a saint. trying her best, always. shes so selfless. giving. i dont deserve her. i think thats why i was so recluctant to sleep there. she buys me coffee,
a nice dinner, she watches youtube with me, we talk for hours. she tells me im so pretty all the time. grandma things i guess, but shes so.. good at it. shes had her crazy moments
but part of this disgusting 'maturity' is realizing everyone has crazy moments. everyone has limits. different limits, mind you, but theyre still limits. that also ties into the infinite
subjectability of things. everyone is looking through a different lense. i say that despite hating anyone who disagrees with me but.. like reb said. we are flaming hypocrites. but thats
okay because we are above all of you. & you dont need to believe us because we know we're right.. anything else? oh yeah. just that im so rough towards myself for spending time
with my grandma because shes so wonderful & im going to break her heart. i dont want her to think she did anything wrong but i know she will. as backwards as it sounds, i
hope shes not around when it happens. & oddly enough i feel similarly towards my dad. but he did do something wrong. many things. hes not a bad father, i dont think. he doesnt
know how to raise a child, or a teenager, because his parents didnt exactly set the best example. let alone a FEMALE child/teenager. so i dont blame him, he too is just doing his best.
but unfortunately one's best is not always enough. & even if it was, theres nothing they can do to change me or my brain. no way they could have rasied me that wouldve made
things different. i brought this upon myself. but enough doom n gloom huh? ^___^ hope yr all doing well. i love niko & calvin to pieces. gonna get on dbd now actually, i
havent played in a few days so i probably lost any skill i may have had. god damn its 4:09pm. been writing for too long.. see ya x





022621
hiiii i am high and still drinking coffee but it is 2pm. today is three years since my mom died. it doesnt feel like three years. so much has happened in three years.
it makes me think where i'll be in another three, twenty years old. holy shit man.. in another three years i'll be twenty.. thats.. unfathomable. my limit used to be
16, then 18. neither of those are going to happen. im not going to die a teenager. id be lying if i said that doesnt bum me out. but its okay, because i have things to do
& places to go. i want as many years with niko as possible. whats the limit now? surely i cant reach 30..maybe. gah idk.. ill figure it out later. i recently discovered
that i DIDNT delete all my flashdrive videos from when i was talking to vince & fabio. videos from may, june. then i stopped because we fell apart & i fell in love with
niko. given i couldve kept up the videos throughout all of that, but i didnt. i made one yesterday though! felt good to just talk. i did mention to niko that i know majority
of my (our) videos will never even see the light of day.. & that sucks but. all we can do is give enough content that they cant keep ALL of it under wraps. true crime researches
are usually nosey as fuck anyways. UUUUM WHAT ELSE. starting watching the 100 with niko finally. i like it a lot so far, i have a crush on bellamy. i think subconsciously
its just to counteract his crush on octavia. oh fictional jealousy. im typing this 2 avoid school.. i see niko listening to his dylan playlist. todays playlist cover is dylan as well.
patron saint in ur head a bit baby? thats a very good thing, listen to him. andrews been all up in my head recently, not sure why. she felt the same way about reb&v so.. its probably
that. it all leads back to them, im telling you.





021221
morning! i see that hayden didnt write after check-in, they had a good day. managed to give zach, izzy & sebastian my number, twitter & snapchat. sneaky
bastard they are... they gave richard my number back @ my school labs too which totally backfired. trial & error i guess. i had a good weekend too. played dbd with
niko on valentines day ♡ no movie though, we'll do that sometime this weekend. or week. depending on.. things. i was supposed to go to lunch & shopping with ma,
but lala came too & we had julia meet us for lunch. got aladins! hummus falafel roll babyyy. under 600cal for the whole thing (not counting honey mustard). speaking of
umm calories. why does EVERYTHING have so MANY calories?! hayden & lu said theyre gonna be my diet coaches. i said.. my proana coaches? they said NO. cuz adrian
fuckin loves when i throw up. which is new? he used to be like 'ur such a pussy if you wanna lose weight do it the right way raaa'... but recently its more like... yeahhh self haaarm..
cant cut? EMPTY YOUR STOMACH NOW. lol.. that guy! love em! love you adrian! but yeah. trying low-cal along with 20hr fasting... wonder how long this'll last. no breakfast
or lunch today.. just dinner... plz just do ONE omad.. i can feel myself wanting lunch already.. idk what to do man. this isnt gonna do away until i lose weight. i get so hungry but
eating is never EVER worth the feeling of 'holy shit im huge & disgusting & no one should ever need to look at and/or touch me.'

ok hi SO its lunch now. veggie burger & tater tots. they didnt give me my oranges. i had a bite of my burger.. gonna eat the tots i GUESS. but a bun rn isnt worth it.





021121
good morning neocities & journal readers alike. it is i..hayden. i am wearing three sports bras & also eyeshadow. this was a mistake. i tweeted this morning that
i do not think mila is fat. HOWEVER. her hairline could be much better. isnt there surgery 4 that? should i explain who i am? if anyone doesnt know by now?
hi im hayden im an alter in a dissociative identity disorder system & i live in mila's head. shes getting irritated with my handwriting lol. its because her dad took the pen
that SHE took from kim. this one doesnt write as smoothly. umm i just went to the bathroom & shes FREAKING out.. that shes so fat. & her hair. & her hair-line. bro relax.
yadayada easier said than done but god damn. i ate a piece of toast this morning so im sure that didnt help. idk maybe i'll let lu take over by lunch, shes good at not eating.
we're always so adament about not eating in the morning & shes hungry as fuck at night. even if she wasnt fasting, she gets hungry at night. still has not exercised. her dad
called her lazy for it. youre not gonna be happy about it until youre exercising regularly again so why are you choosing to stay miserable? gain back what you lost? CMON.
you want help, ill be ur help. i dont think youre fat at all but if you wanna lose weight then FKN DO IT YEESH. lets see if eating that toast makes any difference. lol my initials
are HAR. sorry 4 messing up ur cute handwriting aesthetic. ur right about ur hands being stubby tho. sorry about that. youve got ur fathers genes. at least your boyfriend
has sexy hands. am i allowed to say that? yeah. niko mila loves ur hands. she loves everything about you but... haaands. choke me like you choke me when you choke me.

just did check-in heyo. i say HEYO so much. lk excited 4 today.. what do yall do for 7 hours. that hour of silent school kicked my ass. idk the last time i was quiet for an hour.
also im wearing deoderant but im sweatin like a bitch. whateva at least i smell like weed & lavender.





021021
moooorniiing...i hate it here. not really but im getting tired of leaving my house before 9am every morning. soon i gotta ask mandy if she knows if ill be here friday.
fucken hope not. my dad wished officer steve a happy birthday as he was dropping me off so steve said i might get an extra cookie. lol. i dont want ONE, let alone an extra.
i'll probably give it to sebastian. my dad also totally threw off my vibe this morning. i was wearing that flowy black shirt that opens in the middle with sort of a.. turtleneck?
anyway my dad said "wear something different! im not washing clothes until you wear something different!" but he got over it & said whatever pretty fast. by then though i
had already put my acdc hoodie on. AY SO.. JUST MET W/ MANDY. CUNT SAID "do you want to do the full 10 days?" BITCH MATTHEW WASNT EVEN HERE FOR FIVE
DAYS WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? CUNT CUNT CUNT. "its up to you & ur dad" ummm oookk then i'll tell my dad i wanna be done on friday? you think i
wanna come back after the weekend again? NOO? THANKS? FUCK YOU? & the fuck is an iop? no i will NOT come here for half days. mandy off the shits bruh. NO. jesus
chriiiist these people r SO so SO so dumb. whats monday & tuesday gonna do that this week didnt. UGH. have to tell my dad...what else um. pantera....rage against the machine..
my niko... i miss his face MULLET? MULLET PICS TODAY MAYBE. hes so cute.. maybe we can call this weekend. gonna try to do one of those "GUESS WHAT I HATE/LOVE"
pages now.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
my fucking HANDS theyre stubby & fat & stupid

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
mental health and social workers. MIND YOUR OWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
CHRISTIANITY & CATHOLICISM. GOD HATES YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?
MY BOYFRIEND. LOVE IS SO, SO REAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?
ERIC DAVID HARRIS & everything he lived & died for.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
math! graphs! why do i need to know exponential functions?

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?
COFFEE. didnt have any this morning!

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
FOOD. it makes me feel like shit. i wish i didnt need to eat.

ayo. had a cup of chicken noodle soup & carrots for lunch. dont feel AWFUL! its almost like i should eat healthy instead of not at all...i keep having this realization but its not
often we always have healthy food in the house. I GOT THEM TO PLAY TWICE YOOOO...OK THAT WAS NICE. kim played i cant stop me. its 1:24 now, in skills group...im
kinda pissy @ mandy. i wanna go home on friday. definitely asking my dad if he can work some magic there. bored. feeling ok tho. i reeaaallllly miss niko.... hope he's having a good
day. niiko when you read this i hope your day is going well. & if not i'll be home soon to do my best to make you feel a bit better. i love you so much. i mention you so much in here.
i miss writing to you. maybe i will sometime, one that isnt confidential. i dont even remember what i said in ur last letter.. your mom said it horrified her. lol. good. she said something
about how i (we) believe that dylan is watching over us. he totally is.. patron saint. i wonder if we'll ever look at those & cringe. never throw that away ok!? or did your mom take it?
never throw away that envelope then! art therapy now. :*





020921
ah it is yet another day. my dad told the hospital that i threw up yesterday morning (i didnt) so i got 2 stay home. talked to niko, played dbd, listened to music,
got sushi, did some school. last few days have been good besides ALWAYS wanting to shoot myself in the head! always! sso so badly do i want my brain blown outta my skull.
it dont belong in there! get it out! one day...also been h*rny asf but neocities doesnt need to know about that. between 1998 ed furlong, 1999 brad pitt & 2021 niko [lastname],
i am losing my ability to stand upright. i see a man. i get on my knees. its that simple. EXCEPT...im obese. & no one can see my body until i am no longer obese. jesus FUCK i am
disgusting. niko u poor bastard. anyuhhhhway, its 9:11 & i want to go home already. i miss pantera. pantera girl & metallic(a) boy ♡♡♡ i wish all mental health & social workers a
very lynching. i love watching ppl get hung man. i cant believe adrian tried to hang me. did you guys know that? when 'i tried to hang myself', adrian was fronting lol. that guy...
cant believe it choked me out too! i hit the floor deadweight! hadda bruise around my neck for a week & no one said a thing! also throwback to when i told antonio i tried to overdose &
he hugged me & cried. men...haha.. suicide attempt reminising on this crisp tuesday morning. we also been kinning rly hard lately. WATCHED FIFTH ELEMENT YESTERDAY FINALLY.
i am... Leeloominai Lekatariba Lamina-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat..aka Leeloo Dallas (multipass!). also keiko chazawa. himizu is still fresh in the brain. aaaand i gotta watch the entirety of
american history x because ive been all over danny vinyards DICK lately. oh ed furlong...why did you let yourself get fat & ugly..you were so fucking pretty. dude theres two chicks
here (therapists) that are so skinny it makes me feel like trash. but at the same time the two main bitches here are fat as hell. so idk man. bodytypes? hate em! skinny mila would be
too strong...eeuuugggh ive been slacking. stop eating food me thinks. i hate being percieved. i hate having to prove myself. why doesnt everyone already know who i am & what im here for.
lol..cuz if they DID know i'd be fuuuuucked. wtf we're playing some sort of game now. wonderful..

waaaoo hello its 1:06. feelin better than i did this morning. im so crazily keiko chazawa & leeloo dallas...i was built for safety~~ not love~~ waaa..sumida..korben...niiiko ♡ man i love
boys. they r so dumb....but also so smart. & so..so cute. ive always prided myself on not being boy-crazy & talked down on bitches who are. but MAN...MEN. men good...oh hey um.
know how i just said stop eating me thinks? YA just had lunch ya fucken LIAR. RRRRRR MMNDSMSGRRRR....exercise PLEASE. i didnt for the last few days & im upset. been
thinking so much about school & this damn program that ive fallen way behind on my exercise schedule. upset upset. but um. no use in complaining. all i can do is stick to my own word
n GOD DAMN EXERCISE. miss my boyfriend. miss eric harris...always. god boy...aahh. k now its 1:22...1:23...1:24...cmon 3:00...ah shit we're doing something now. T____T bye ✩

MY FUCKING DAD BRO WHAT IS HIS FUUUUUUCKING PROBLEM MAN. I GO TO THIS PLACE ALL DAY LEARNING THAT iiii maaatttterrr and my
feeeliiings and thoughhhhtttss maaattterrrr AND THEN I COME HOME AND IM A FUCKING CHILD WITH NO SAYSO AGAIN & I NEED TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
DO I TALK ABOUT THINGS OR DONT I?????





020521
WOOOH new pen! tired as all fuck this morning. being pulled out of group @ 9:30 anyway but i have to go back in obviously. at least its friday. again i didnt text niko
b4 i left. it is not a big deal but i think about him first thing in the morning & its hard not to tell him every thought that goes through my head. esp since i had two separate
dreams last night, both about adam lanza. why lanza? maybe his connection to niko is seeping into me. adam will always be a niko-case anyways. damn its already 9.
got a new boy. zack, or zach. idk. so pissy rn. have to exercise & shower today or i'll die. juuust wanna fuckin lay on the floor & play dbd. maybe...i'll exercise n shit as soon
as i get home so i can do nothing the rest of the day. except talk 2 niko if we can. tiiiiiiired. gonna stop writing 4 now or it'll be all complaining.

thoughts to take my own life? bitch ITS MINE TO TAKE!

dude these ppl are so fucking dumb. upping my zoloft. i literally do not care. you are not going 2 fix me. diiiiiiie all of you. fuckiiin hospitals maaaNNN DIEE STUPID
ASSHOLES YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT ME. YOU GET PAID TO ACT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT ME. i cant wait to get out of here. pump me full of antidepressants
motherfuckers idc. you wont change shit. anyway um, izzy gets BEAT bruh. i wanna convert all these kids to reb&vodka-ism. why do parents fucking suck? not all of
them but.. god damn.

its noon now. bored. hairs being fucky. wanna go home. been working on the Niko Page. ive just been writing ur name babe. its comforting. lunch soon. i got a chicken salad.
yaaaaa so glad its friday. gonna draw on the board with sebastian now. wait no...can i write stan loona? oh we're playing pictionary now. bye ^__^

ok lunch was good but i wan 2 fucking throw uuuuuuup. its 12:45 now... 2 more hours baybeee...god i want to vomit. i wonder if theyd hear me if i go gag myself...
should i try...idk...man i feel disgusting. at least im only having salmon for dinner. & at least im gonna try to exercise today. i say 'try' but. fuckinge.... i have to. note to self
fucking exercise lazy ass. why the FUCK do i swear so much. cuz im angry. i am the sleepiest angry person i know. so FUCKIN irritated today. not in a bad mood but i am IRRITATED.
i hate coping i hate school i hate tolerance. let me be pissy. let me feed my sUiciDal ideAtiOn. RAAAH CANT WAIT 2 EAT A BULLET~~ its about 2 now. 2day taking forever.
yoga now! write later maybe.





020421
morning everyone. back @ da hospital. i wasnt here yesterday bc i was supposed to get an ultrasound on my kidneys but my dad rescheduled so i got the day off.
i discord called niko last night (!!!!) hes so fucking cute its unbelievable. his FACE bro his VOICE ohhhh my god...mine. that boy is fucking MINE <3
hhaha suck a dick kiylie & jolene & everyone else that has ever liked him. im gonna call niko [lastname] my husband one day...AAAH...
i wonder if we'll ever get like..legally married. i want to bleed over [redacted] ground.. our nbk wedding is a must. but.. a wedding wedding? idk.
it'd be a little tragic imo but my family would enjoy it. idk...something 2 ponder. im wearing my NATURAL SELECTION dogtag of course. it reminds me
i dont belong here. at this table. in the psychiatric wing of a childrens hospital..doing algebra. fuckin CAGED is what i am. stuck stuck stuck & on constant surveillance by
SOMEONE...24/7..lemme breathe..lemme SHOOT DAMN IT!! talking to niko last night rly emphasized how badly i want to talk to him without having to censor anything..
fuckerz fuckerz why is my baby so far away. our first therapy group starts in like 5 minutes so im just killing (lol, killing) time. i have a family meeting @ 2:30 so i get
to go straight home after. rad. we have a new boy, idk his name yet but he's quiet so far. didnt text niko b4 i left. kinda feel bad but..its alright. i hope he says
something by time im outta here. it'd be nice to talk again tonight. gtg now. i have more to ramble about niko but ill pick it up later. byebye.

new boy.. matthew.. he/they.. i wish all she/they, he/they & they/thems a very recovery.

bruh matt likes kpop too..he's a gg stan.. no bgs.. such good taste. my only bg is skz.. they r CATBOYS.

my hair is irritating meeee~ i miss niko. i miss dbd. my dad offered to get wok it out 4 dinner but we just had lunch n i feel gross. might exercise today.
i did a bit yesterday but not enough. we had a 'spiritual wellness' group a bit ago. luckily it wasnt religion based. we actually fucked around quite a bit.
wrote 'stan loona' & 'heejin supremacy' on the whiteboard. izzy, matt & i have been talking so much about kpop & poor sebastian has no idea what we're saying.
but um. in that spiritual wellness group..the dude said to find a source of strength within ourselves, it doesnt need to be god or a higher being. lol...buddy.
my higher-power source of strength is eric david harris & dylan bennett klebold. god they r so real. reb you'd laugh your ass off at this whole program. 7-10 days man, thats all.
i DO have to get my shit together so i can be stable enough to plan things with niko. take advantage of this bitchass program!!! get a grip bro!! lol. i love being crazy. busy now. bye!





020221
LOLL GUYS THIS IS SO WACK! classes r wildly smaller. im the sexiest one here but theres only three of us so.. it wasnt too difficult. we had to tell everyone
our pronouns which i think was neat. we have a she/they! their name is izzy ^__^ idk if we'll interact much but i wish all she/theys a very recovery. my water
bottle expires on january 19th, 2023. ive also quickly discovered that my primary conversation starter is '... you like nine inch nails?' these clipon earrings kinda hurt..
yaaah~~ beauty is pain RITE? man i wish i were playing dbd right now. i woke up @ 6:30 though & played a few rounds b4 i had to leave..so. it is addicting.
we are listening to a classical violin cover of 'moves like jagger' by maroon 5. OH OH NIKO, we can 'talk' on our google doc for the first hour of the morning.
dont..have to. theres nothing we cant wait to say. but. idk idk! bored bored. when does therapy start? fuck school hour (>__<)"....

man im in love. im gonna sketch kpop names 2 pass time. olivia. yves. jinsoul. hyunjin. heejin. haseul. yeojin. gowon. chuu. choerry. kimlip. vivi. woojin. felix.
hyunjin. jisung. minho. jeongin. seungmin. bangchan. changbin. momo. nayeon. dahyun. chaeyoung. jihyo. jeongyeon. mina. sana. tzuyu. doyeon. yoojung. sei. elly. rina.

IZZY LIKES KPOP & IC3PEAK

izzy eats pennies





020121
hi everyone! lots has happened. my dad read a bit of this notebook lol. not good. things are alright though. niko & i are alright of course. we were supposed to play dead by
daylight & talk tonight but his family pissed him off & hes offline. fuckers leave my boyfriend alone. disrupting my niko time 4 god knows what reason. FUCKERS
FUCKERS FUCKERS just you wait until we live together. we'll play dbd all damn night long if we want to. oh thats another thing. niko bought me dbd. thank you
thank you thank you baby. its so much fun. ive been watching lots of try guys @ night. they make me laugh a lot. i love them. i miss shane & ryan from buzzfeed unsolved too.
ive also gotten into the habit of watching kickthepj on twitch in the morning. jacksepticeye's dad died, i feel awful. not to make light of it, but i chose a good time to fixate on other youtubers.
its a little after 9pm, tomorrow at 8:30am i begin the akron childrens outpatient program. kind of excited? i wanna work on eating habits although they specifically said WE DO NOT
TREAT EATING DISORDERS. also not wanting to kill myself all the damn time. without changing my brain & thinking 100% yknow? yknow what i mean?
yeah. the reb & vodka influence cannot be undone. gotta go to bed but im sure i'll write tomorrow. im pretty sure i get to bring my notebook. gute nacht!





012521
heellllooo everybody. i have been meaning to write for like a week but ive been feeling remarkably shitty. not sad-shitty but worn-out-tired shitty. started writing
this much earlier so hello x2. some updates i guess.. lupita is 17 now! shout out lu. lives in my head n shit, shes pretty cool. MY BOYFRIEND STARTED
TESTOSTERONE??!!?@? YEAAH. I AM SOOOOO FUCKING EXCITED FOR HIS VOICE 2 DROP & FOR HIM TO ACTUALLY SOUND THE WAY HE FEELS!!!
GENUINELY SO EXCITED...what elseOH OH OH OH I HAVE MY FIRST PSYCH EVAL IN LIKE FIVE YEARS TOMORROW LOLOLOLOL I CANT WAIT.
this can very easily be screwed up but i like a challenge when it comes to..these things. i know what NOT to say, but i cant lie 100% or theyll be like well why the
fuck are you here. no..no. i have issues. but you dont need to know ALL of them.. reb went through anger management right? & wrote that dumbfuck essay that i just know
he had his shitty little smirk while he was writing it. god i love that boy. im so glad hes not in this world anymore. he died when he was supposed to & im at peace with that.
i just miss him. but yadayada.. fate. we werent supposed to meet. i was supposed to meet niko. niko is the closest i will ever be to them & vice versa.
"the recognition of oneself through another" or something. i know i had more to say but.. im awfully tired now. will update tomorrow if they dont lock me up ^___^"





010921
hiiiii (threat). niko when u see this im giving u a kiss rn :**** i didnt rly have anything 2 say but now that im typing ummm. im tryin to eat earlier in the day
so i stop being starving at 9pm. going well so far. yesterday i had two eggs & a piece of toast. today i had a turkey & swiss wrap. feels bad. but its gonna help
in the long run i think. i love song hayoung. i also love calvin. also my dog wont stop bugging me to take him outside. uhhhhhh.. im hyper aware of my
thighs touching at all times now and it is unbearable. gonna go exercise now. do acid !!!!!!!! stan led zeppelin!!!!!!!!!

everyone wants 2 die with me! always! im convinced its because they know that im definitely going to do it at some point. so sooooo many people r like
'wa wa wa i dont belong here im gonna kms' but i think people can tell that im not joking lol.. at least i hope.





010621
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA AHA HA AH AH AYES YES YES YES YES FUCK YES LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO IM GONEEEEEEEEEE.
PLS!!! THIS IS TOO FUCKING MUCH!!! GOD I LOVE BEING RIGHT. THE BITCH TRIO HAS BEEN DISBAAAANNNNNDDDEEEDDD!!!!!HAHAHHA
IDK WHAT HAPPENED BUT BROOKE MESSAGED ME SAYING BRODY&BRIDET CALLED THE COPS ON HER & BRIDGETS SITE IS SOUNDING
EQUALLY (IF NOT MORE) DISMAL. THIS IS SO FUNNY. THIS IS SO FUNNY... WITHIN THREE DAYS YOU ALL HAD A SLEEPOVER & FUCKED EACH
OTHER UP EVEN MORE. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED PFHAHAH... WHY DO BRIDGETS PARENTS HATE HER??? WHOS TRYING TO GET BROOKES
FRIEND CHARGED WITH RAPE??? ARE BRODY AND BRIDGET STILL FRIENDS??? & WHY DOES BROOKE THINK I CARE??? WHABHSRHYWEFIHWHFHIQ
I GOT OUT OF THERE AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME HUH? FUCKIN IMAGINE IF I CAME WITH YOU GUYS... I SWEAR. BITCHES MAN. CRAZY!!! accused me
of stalking yall before... lol. well NOW i am. i wouldnt even know about it if brooke didnt message me. but since she DID. oh boy am i intruiged. brooke isnt the most innocent
girl in the world, no, but i cant help but feel a bit bad 4 her.. idk if she did anything 'wrong'... bridgets mental bro. i'd advise brody to get out of there quickly too. genuinely dont think
brodys a bad kid either.. just. theyre 13 & 15 man.. what do you expect? but bridget? ur almost an adult man u gotta cut the bullshit out. or at least stop picking your way into all these
kids' heads. & i know you get off on it, youve admitted it. you like getting under peoples skin & into their heads. so do i. thats why i thought we would be good friends.
but youre putting all ur brainpower into the wrong things.





010221
yeesh. happy new year. everytime i update this site i feel like a completely different person. i finally did blotter acid instead of the gel tabs. shits INSANE.
khyli & julia slept over that day too so needless to say i was very overwhelmed. recently (and only slightly releated to me doing blotter acid) i was reminded
of my place in the world & why i was put here. its not like i forgot or anything, but in a period of waiting its easy to get distracted, as i have many times
before. six doomed souls huh? and youre content with that? dying quietly? leaving people to find you on their own? such a meaningless death. i will never understand
living with such a docile train of thought. believing god has some big master plan for you. i will go out when i want, how i want, where i want and with who i want.
everything MUST be done yourself or youre going to rot on this earth waiting for yOuR tiMe. ANYTIME is your fucking time, you just have to seek it out.






122420
hey hey, merry christmas eve to those of you who celebrate it. birthday went super well, julia always puts together the cutest gifts. family listened to my desperate plea
for gift cards & FUCKIN CALVIN BOUGHT ME A MEGPOID GUMI FIGURE????? THATS ME?!!?!??! HE BOUGHT ME ME!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. by far my
favorite gift this year. [REDACTED] youre wrong and in denial and it hurts to watch. so... i wont watch!! my eyes are averted! heheeeh. what ellllllse?? i have money to spend
and i HATE spending money. everything feels like a waste. i want posters.. i want outfits and accessories.. i want cds and vinyls... ahhhh.. at least i dont have to decide any time soon.
not much to say it seems. OH yes there is. i finally began reading lynettes book so ill have lots to say about her & charlie & the family soon enough. i want coffee so badly rn, gonna go
make it. i just wanted to write in that the 17th birthday was pretty great & i hope you all have a nice holidays. well ^ __ ^ most of you!

WAHHH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CAN U LEAVE ME ALOOOONE???? CRAZY FUCKIN BITCHES MAN!!!! STALKING YOU??????????
I KNEW YOU WERE SELF ABSORBED BUT HOLY SHIT. this is truly too much! im a sick twisted individual? ME? COMING FROM YOU?
collectively you make me do nothing but laugh. im so so over this. good riddance you lot of psychos...





122120
goooooood afternoon everybody! today is the start of MILA DAY(S)! cleaning the house so people can come over.
[the entire remainder of this entry is redacted because i am BEING HARRASSED?????????]





122020
tomorrow is my birthday party despite my birthday being on the 22nd. im very excited. i almost feel like i screwed up the universe by making it to 17.
i was absolutley supposed to die at 16. when i was 12 i told myself i wouldnt make it past 16 & here i am. it feels like im going against a very long-held promise to myself &
its weird. but my future holds lots, good & bad. im a little more eager to find out this year than i was last year. but that may just be the entrance of niko into my life.
whatever my future holds, it will include him. & thats enough stability to last me a long while. although. i am ten times more as anger-filled as i was last year. well.. in a way.
it was around this time last year i was dipping into the . nazism. please.. so embarrasing.. but.. that did make me a lot angrier than i needed to be. but now im not angry at people,
just the world and the way it works. its always been like that, but now ive stopped pretending that its someone in particular's fault.





121820
ouuuughh... so upset. why is my dad like this? hes so overwhelmingly negative.. i know hes wrong but it still gets to me. "by the time you meet up he'll find someone else.
or you will." really? youre still on about that? no he wont.. no i wont. why are you so intolerant? of people? of love? why are you so angry? all questions i couldve asked myself a
year ago but.. god. is this the way people felt around me? fuck.. im sorry. julia, sierra, karlie, im sorry for being so miserable. love is a light. im a lot happier now, with niko.
my dad breaks me down so badly. "it wont last anyway." fuck you man. im going to prove you wrong. WE are going to prove you wrong. why cant you fathom falling in love
over the internet. he fucking yells at me when i tell my boyfriend i love him. he says it irritates him. its not FOR you. he says we can say it over the phone. "youve been
sooo in love for how many months & you havent even said hello over the phone." bro we've got anxiety. he wont let me respond to his text now either. i hate this. and he keeps
yelling that i HAVE NO WHERE TO GO, ILL NEVER MAKE IT OUT THERE if i do so choose to leave when im 18. i SAID i didnt WANT TO. but i CAN. no i dont have a fucking
plan but ill figure it out if i absolutley have to. he also keeps emphasizing that i dont drive & i dont have a job. i CAN drive, im capable of it, i just DONT bc i DONT fucking LIKE it.
i dont have a job YET. i will get one. you said i need to worry about school first. you underestimate what i'll do if i have to. ill live somewhere with julia or niko, whoever is
closer and more avalible to room with me at the time. worst WORST case scenario i contact vince. hell, or i ask blake to live with me. given he has income by then. OR or..
woooooooorst case scenario i ship myself to england for that dude from kik LMFAO. id never come back, but thats neither here nor there. the POINT IS. if i want to LEAVE,
i will LEAVE. got that? in one way or another i will get out of here if i NEED to. im not going to NOT TELL MY BOYFRIEND I LOVE HIM BECAUSE YOOOOOURE
UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT. GOD.... you irritate me you irritate me you irritate me. he also says stop swearing so much LOL fuck no!!.. angry. angry girl full of
anger.. im angry because i dont understand. "you dont need to understand." YES THE FUCK I DO. I GET THAT YOOOOURE THE ADULT AND IIIIM YOUR
DAUGHTER BUT GOD DAMN IT ITS MY LIFE AND I HAVE A FUCKING RIGHT TO KNOW WHY YOU HATE MY HAPPINESS SO BADLY.

ahhg my baby..please dont text less. im sorry about him. all in time my love, we'll be alone together soon enough. i love you to pieces. you make me so happy





121620
i miss slicefessing. i miss cutting in general. i wonder how long itll be before i give in & break out new blades. im gonna try to go for a few months.
idek what my record is. i also dont know the date i gave my dad my blades so now i cant really even keep track.. fuck. i cant wait until i can cut wherever
& whenever. ive been putting some actual thought into.. not dying young & if thats the route im going.. i gotta stop eventually.. maybe. but if im going to continue
to be malicious & stubborn, i cant WAIT to cut different parts of my leg. much more inclined to cut the lower half of my body? arms make me squirm. but i wanna cut
my actual leg instead of my thigh. just.. midweek self harm fantasies.. my brain has not stopped churning them out since this mess all started. i assume no one has noticed,
but i entered a bunch of writings from old notebooks. not much of interest, but it feels good to have everything in one place.

im so obsessed with niko. i think he might be getting bored of me. thats okay, hes allowed. but i cant stop thinking about him. i think about him all day long.
i could not care less about seeming clingy or overbearing. i am clingy and overbearing. i want to be all over him all the time. i want to be the only thing he thinks about.
i miss being crazy in love everyday. this recovery shit is already so boring.





121320
also didnt mention im back in contact with monika! not constant, of course. but lu finally got through to it without it blocking us. very glad.
i like them a lot and ive felt awful about how abruptly we lost contact. alsssoooo that im happier than id expected to be talking to luka & ash again.
we all have each others numbers and julia was on call with ash the night i slept over but, its different being in the gc. always active. always poppin.
someones always talking about something. although..that might just be my need to be in an active chat. it never really seems to matter who im talking to,
but the fact that im talking to more than one person at once. is it the attention? no, because rarely am i the focal point of a conversation. at least i dont think.
but.. whether it was vince & fabio, brody & puppy, ash & luka.. i feels good to be a part of something. lmfao who knew right??? i havent been in
school or any social activities in so long that meerly being in a groupchat makes my heartbeat quicken. pathetic, but whattaya gonna do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
speaking of those two, brody & puppy. brody says i no longer exist in her world! waaaa, how will i deal? piss house wannabe bimbo doesnt think i exist.
right back at u. you know that hurt. posting fuckin TYLENOL "wwwwim gonna kms miwa weft me TT__TT" pfahahahahah. k. youre still funny. trying to act
tough. www ww wwwwwwwwwwwww im am rollllling wwww w ww w w w!! and while im at the subject of laughing at others' pain.. heheoeheheo.. have i
mentioned im in recovery? RECOVERYYYYY BIIITCH???? RECOVERY FROM WHAT? BEING TOO SMART?? godddd i hate having to dumb myself down
for people ESPECIALLY my dad. long story short niko was in the ward for a week because our phones got looked through and his mom read our mail.
worst week fuckinggg ever. i am beyond surprised at how quickly the urgency of all this has dissipated? my dad is still looking at all my texts but he seems..
almost defeated. i keep reinstating that i 'only have to listen to him for another year.' in all honesty, no, i dont want to leave home right away.
i KNOW it would be difficult, i KNOW i would 'struggle out there'. but if i REALLY want to leave this house, i can. legally, i can. im supposed
to be trying to get better now. moreso than before. sure.. ugh. better. better better better & normal normal normal. i truly believe i will be like this for the
rest of my life. my short, wonderful life. its laughable.. that they think im going to change because they want me to. nooo.. sorry but no. i see how badly my existence
weighs on my family. they dont want me gone though, despite how much shit i cause. all these sleepless nights caused by worrying about me. it will all go away if you let it.
no one will tell me why im being fought so hard for? 'because we love you' URRRGHHH SURE YOU DO!!! i get that!! you love me i get it!! i dont ask to be loved
though! ill ive ever asked was to be left alone. but you people seem to be as stubborn as i am. you want recovery? then i'll recover. but i wont be cured.
you cannot cure evil. i know how fucking dumb and juvenile i sound but for the last two weeks i have been reminded & REMINDED of how 'disturbed' and abnormal i am.
and im continuing to prove you all right. i never DENIED being disturbed.. im just at peace with it. i dont know why my thinking patterns are wrong and YOURS are right.
the things i know cant be unlearnt or unfelt. and you can laugh at me and mock me all you want because theres not a doubt in my mind that im right. im at peace
and you are not. you choose to pick on me because i am sure of myself and i am content. trying to pick me apart will not aid you at all. you might THINK it does.
bullying me may give you that little endorphin rush. but in the long run youre just training yourself to dismiss what you cant wrap your head around.
i already have the lead in this situation & i havent even been evaluated yet. major ego boost there, as if i need it. for example: today my dad had a headache.
thats fine right? yeah. he had a headache and i know that puts him in a bad mood so i sat quietly in the living room all day long & finsihed up my school hours from
this week. upon coming into the living room to stuff his face with food, he looked at my phone. alas! i texted niko fucking ONCE WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
hooooo how dare i. didnt say anything wrong though! because apparently now theres a right & wrong way that im allowed to speak to my boyfriend. but at
the end of my message i said "i kiss u" which is, according to my dad, unheard of for teenagers in love to say they wanna kiss each other. that led him to once again go on
about 'youre too obsessed with him', 'youre not in love with him', 'you dont even know him', and many more things of the same sort. and he said that since i used my phone while
he was sleeping, i dont get it for the rest of the night. so naturally i start bawling. i pull the 'why do you hate me', 'i thought you wanted me to get better', 'what did i do wrong' waa waa
bullshit. works every time man. almost every time.. i gave him all my blades so its not like hes scared im gonna go cut, but i know that my dad doesnt hate me.
and no matter how bad he is at showing it, he doesnt want me to feel like shit. so im crying in the living room & he's yelling from his room that 'DONT WORRY I CAN HEAR YOU'
as if im crying FOR him. idc if you can hear me. then he tells me to shut up & by this point i was genuinely hyperventilating so i couldnt stop on the spot like that, id genuinely
worked myself up. so i start going 'you say i can talk to you but when i do you just tell me to shut up!' & i think that hurt his feelings or something bc he invited me into his room &
rubbed my back until i stopped crying and then gave me my phone lol. mission accomplished. oh and also he read my physical notebook journal & saw me write I LOVE NIKO
in blood & talk about how i want to rip ppl apart and drink their blood and spit in their empty eye sockets and stuff.. so um. im in a weird place with my dad at the moment.
i feel like everyone is walking on eggshells around me and i cant tell if i like it or not yet. i like you all being just worried enough about me for it to keep you on your toes,
but not enough that theyre going to hospitalize me again yknow? everything is so touchy.. but like always i will navigate it perfectly and at the end of the day i will always get what
i want in one way or another. "your privacy goes out the window when youre a threat to yourself or others." yaaaa... shuddup. whatever you guys say. ill play along for a little while.





121220
i realize i havent mentioned i removed myself from bridget brody and brooke. i dont even think ive mentioned brooke before, thats how unimportant she was.
im glad i dont have to present myself for them anymore. i heard that they talk about me often. good.





121020
niko. are you really dismissing [redacted]? that easily? i cant tell. & i cant ask you either. at least not right now. my dad already suspects we're 'pulling the wool over
his eyes' just so we're allowed 2 talk which is...pretty spot on on my part. ideally none of this would have happened & things wouldve went as planned.





120720
my dearest niko. it has been seven days without you. i feel empty. i am high on acid. aOH MY FUCKING GOD YOURE HOME ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
WHATS GOING ON. TEXT ME. WHAT THE FUCK!




120520
im gonna go home & down this fuckin redbull. - ok no i made coffee first. well.. today is the first day that i feel as if im out of tears.
all i can do is wait. however, fabio snapchatted me. i responded... not the best decision. but, he opened it & didnt respond so..idc...my niko, i cant wait to marry you.
you know this wont separate us right? right? please text me soon. i cant WAIT to see you listening to music on spotify. i cant wait to spend years, my whole life with you.
these few months are a very small dent in our life together. i love you i love you i love you niko. please be well. please come home.





120420
i ache. i ache so badly. this hurts so bad. all i want is to be with niko. i hurt so bad. i hurt so so so so so bad. i cant think about anything else. where are you. are you okay?....
& yknow..hahhh... all in time all in time! but i FUCKING miss him. i KNOW that we will make it through. but god damn this is awful.

"i hate everyone!, its so easy. i wouldnt do it if i rly didnt care." - i hate everyone : msi

i am in so much pain. it wont go away. i cant feel like this for months. its 5pm now. i still feel like hell. i cant wait for this all to be over. to just smoke a joint with him.
kiss him. for everything to be okay & over with. i just want him to be okay & not fucking hate me. i miss him so much. i hurt. my whole body hurts. & i have to go to julia's tonight.
its her birthday.. i fear i wont be much fun. i almost feel bad. i also think i saw karlie on the road today. i was already crying but it sure did not help.





120320
today, friends, was the worst day. nikos mom is smarter than i bargained for. she read our FUCKING MAIL? WHORE. best part though? my dad doesnt rly believe her.
err...all of this is so fragile. i spent all day crying and fretting but..the more i think about it..i dont think i should worry. my niko loves me. hes better than this. he is smart like me.
we will find a way. nothing is going to keep us apart forever. [redacted] hes gonna be locked up for a good while. i feel like im dying already. but i will deal with it.
& i will wait for my niko for years if thats what it will take. i am so incredibly broken & worried over this. but everything will work out for me, it always fucking does.
i have a psych eval on december 31st but you bet im lying my ass off. & no more therapy, said too much. [redacted] & they said i shouldnt talk to niko at all anymore.
LOLLL sure... fucking whores, all of you. i just need to keep reminding myself that i am 100% smarter than all of you. i just cant stop thinking about my baby going through all of this
for me. for us. but i trust him. hes loyal to me, theres no doubt in my mind. but these next few months are going to SUUUUUUCK. so. so much. stay tuned everyone~~~
so much to come. stay excited. this is all part of their plan. our fate. fate fate fate fate. i will fuckin ace this. yr all so wrong. i will always skate my way out of shit. until i die.
good luck to us all. lets have some fun ☆

on another note. i want to fucking die. i miss him. i cant go months without him. i cant be without him for long. i dont know what to do. my niko. my baby.
please come home. please come back. please please please please please please please please please i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you.
FUUUUUCK i miss him.... i cant handle this.





120220
i was right. his mom texted me a few nights ago. hes inpatient. my baby. five to ten days without you. this is hell already. i hope youre out by the weekend.
ive been writing to you in my phone notes as well. your mom didnt text last night. i miss you so fucking much. i hope you dont meet anyone cooler than me in there.
ive been occupying myself per usual. texting cal. found vinces number but im not that desperate lol. ahh.. i miss my niko. my niko. my niko. my niko ♡ ♡ ♡ im waiting so patiently...
id wait years for him. five to ten days...please cooperate so its only five. what else? been cuttin. therapy today. i can never tell if im looking forward 2 therapy or not.
hahaha. nikomila fans of the future, let this whole ordeal be a lesson to you all! DO NOT, EVER, PLAN YOUR SHIT OVER THE INTERNET. GOD PLEASE.
i KNOW how insanely tempting it is but it NEVER WORKS.

god therapy sucked. said too much. i need niko back NOW.





113020
i am an





112820
looking @ pictures of





112720
yesterday the fbi





112020
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
3 MONTHS





111120
today, like yesterday, has felt very weird. this morning i was thinking lots about sol. then i thought about rina. then dylan & eric. i had therapy today. boy do i lie well! ^u^
after therapy i was hit with some major [REDACTED.] its drives me fucking crazy every time. i want to cut open someones chest & drink from it. i want to shove my hand
into a chest cavity & fuck it with my whole arm. i wanna touch a heart while its still beating and crush it between my hands. i want to pull someones eyes out & spit in the sockets.
but GOD do i want to stab someone to death. to sit on someone & just stab all of my frustration into their chest & neck. fuck fuck fuck i want to rip people APART.
it makes me foam at the mouth. [redacted] i might go make myself throw up now. brb.





111020
[redacted] today is cold & lonely. thats all. today is also quiet. everything feels weird. i feel hopeless. its been three days without my abilify.
i feel stupid. when i read back my writing i realize how choppy & robotic i sound. forgive me.





110220
good morning.





110120
new day, new thoughts.





103120
& so we begin again! i apologize for the inconsistency of my writing. im scattered across so many platforms. notebooks & websites. i dont know if ive
been hard to follow up until this point but i hope to stay organized now. i ALSO apologize for my writing, i just applied fake nails for the second time in
my life. i suppose i should introduce myself. my name is mila marie [redacted], i'll be seventeen on december twenty-second & [redacted] with my soulmate niko ♡
i live in [redacted] with my dad ever since my mom died in february of 2018. i attempted suicide on the night of new years day 2018 & sometime between april & may 2018.
i tried to overdose & hang myself. ive been hospitalized thrice at two different locations. i am diagnosed with depression, social anxiety & dissociative identity disorder. this is a 'polite'
way of saying multiple personalities. i have five alters besides myself. hayden, adrian, lu, rain & james. i have been to countless therapists. i used to take paxil. i am currently on zoloft &
abilify. sometime in early 2019, i became infactuated with the columbine shooters. i had been in love with the manson family at least a year prior, but nothing had taken ahold
of me like columbine. i changed almost every aspect of myself, as i felt like this is what i'd needed for a long time. i even dyed my hair purple in summer 2018 in an attempt to
'reinvent myself' but NOTHING worked like learning about dylan and eric. as a result of this, i lost the friends i had at the time. this was step 1: get rid of everyone that pissed me off.
doing so left me with one friend, julia. mind you julia couldnt





101920
hello world. it feels like far longer than 7 days ago that i wrote last. im high. really want coffee rn but i dont feel like making it and my dad is sleeping in
because he has a headache. ive grown to like these kinds of mornings. god.. i really want coffee.. im gonna go make it. seeya





101220
i love niko so very much. it makes my head hurt sometimes. i didnt know this was real. i thought it was a trope. an aesthetic or something. the whole 'crazy
in love' thing. god its so real. im always thinking about him throughout the day but there are times where i get so INTO how INTO him i am & it feel like
its driving me crazy. its not a bad feeling. i just. its so surreal. overhwhelming. nothing like this ever lasts but nothing has ever felt like this. so i cant really
compare it to anything. and thats uncomfortable for me. to not be able to relate one experience to another. im outside my comfort zone with him but ive been
asking to be taken out of my comfort zone for so long. and now that im here its like. whag the fuck. its new. i dont know. im over analyzing. it makes my head
fuzzy. i just want to make him happy. he deserves to be happy and i want to make him happy and if thats the only thing i can do right then i would be okay and
fulfilled and i wouldnt need anything else. im literally crying as im typing this what the fuck is wrong with me. im literally going to scare him away. with my luck.





100820
helllooo everyone. if you havent picked up on it, some of these entries are written on paper and then typed into my neocities later. i like doing that, i think i
literate myself better when im writing as opposed to typing. im listening to reptile by NiN now. i am very happy right now. happy doesnt feel like the word?
content maybe. no.. even that sounds wrong. i just.. i feel like im handling myself well. things are back to the way i wanted them to be and i am so grateful.
appearance wise im not doing perfectly but emotionally i feel.. alright. here i am jinxing myself. eh. i love my boyfriend. i can handle anything with him. or
at least it feels like i can, i havent exactly tested that theory yet.





100720
theres a balance somewhere. between being this normal idealized couple that we appear to everyone as. & the wretched fuckers we know that we are. spider
gang couple right? ideal tcc couple. we live with this weight. [redacted] its not a bad weight. but it is heavy and it is silent and if you speak of it everything
will go wrong. so we are quiet. we are quiet until the day we will be all you hear about. we disappear from school. various friend groups. you probably havent
heard our name in years. one day we will be impossible not to hear. you will see everything you contibuted to. [redacted] i hope it eats away at you. i hope i
haunt you in every way possible. you will know im free & you will take on all of my pain. i am collecting my hurt. for everyone i fuck over. all of these
indescribable emotions are going to be shoved down your fucking throat. & i hope it makes you sick.

we, the scum of the earth, happier than anyone in the world. what did we do to deserve this fate? its not that im unhappy with it, but why us? why were we
given [redacted]? again dont get me wrong, its a blessing. but why? why why why. answers to be found in another place at another time. but i cant help but
wonder, you know?





100320
i constantly feel misrepresented by myself. i can never convey exactly what im thinking or feeling sufficiently. its driving me even crazier, i think. it doesnt
help that my face and body and hair never look the way i feel they should either. urgh. what else. new blackpink album. loona comeback soon. hanging out
with julia and her friend tomorrow. i blew blake off a few weeks ago. i dont feel too bad about it but it was worth mentioning. i hate food. im hungry rn but i
am not going to eat. my dad is making me a spaghetti squash for dinner so ill wait. i am stuck in my body and theres no use whining about it because it will
be this way until i die. all i can do is try to look the way i feel. it never works but trying is all i can do. i bought makeup for the first time in forever. that doesnt
help as much as id hoped. i look better in pictures with makeup on but irl i still look like THIS. makeup is cakey. makeup isnt how people really look. i hate
when people dress up every single day. i do it occasionally to remind myself i Can look decent but i hate when people wear makeup every fucking day. do you
hate yourself so bad that you cant even look at yourself? and again. hypocricy. but im doing bettter with my hating my SELF. i hate the way i look but im
thankful for having the brain thts in my head. it gets overwhemling sometimes but if i was mindless and ignorant. id hate all aspects of me. the way i think
is a pro, not a con.





100120
today has felt so weird. theres an impending feeling around me.





092920
morning, its about 10 AM. been awake for an hour. on school but i havent gotten anything done. been working on tumblr and listography and things. oh yeah
im back on listo cause of niko. i almost forgot it existed. but carrd has a content limit that i cant stand so i think im trying to come back to neocities and listo.
i need somewhere to keep track of myself besides pinterest and instagram. and tumblr. god.. why do i need so many different platforms to express myself?
and still i feel misrepresented. misrepresented by myself! i want so badly to express myself through art or music but nothing ever suffices. i cant stand it. this
feeling of... idk. what even is this feeling? trapped? no. i have as much freedom as im comfortable with. i just feel misplaced. niko still sleeping. or on school
but he usually texts me first. i dont mind either way, i just miss him.





092820
hahahahahaha heelllloooo. anyone miss me? maybe? damn its been two months exactly since ive updated this. got a boyfriend!!!! god is he fucking amazing.
i was so against the idea of a relationship but he really didnt give me any other choice. he was persistant. combined with not being able to stop thinking about
him. i pretty much called him out which forced him to 'confess'. im so happy everything worked out better than i'd imagined. he will not let me live down
blocking him and ghosting him for two weeks though. both situations were pure fear though. RAW FEAR. and i dont fear a lot. the idea of getting close to
someone right now was the complete opposite of what i thought i wanted. but he understands me? he explains myself for me and he gets what im trying to say
even if i cant say it the right way. and even now i feel like im not wording any of this correctly. i am in a constant state of frustration caused by the inability to
fucking EXPLAIN myself. and i dont need to with him. all of this in just over a month. the next years are beyond my comprehension. we want to try to get him
to ohio by april to come see kmfdm with me. how cute would that be? columbine couple meets at kmfdm concert. it'd be perfect. we're mailing each other letters,
whenever we get to it. hes mailing me a sweater. and we're both collecting bottles of our blood for each other. we try to watch a movie every weekend. its like a
dream. or a movie. this is something i didnt know happened in real life. and you probably think im young love lovestruck and ill calm down or whatever. but
youre so so wrong. this will never die down and i will spend the rest of my life with this new-fresh-young love excitment in my chest.

now that im reading these entries, i realize that i never mentioned ive cut ties with vince and fabio. i tried to talk about them as little as possible but i am not in
contact with them anymore. im listening to dylans playlist right now. i wish i had to capacity to get into my head right now. im high. and kind of tired. i really
love my boyfriend more than anything in the world.





090920
this will never work if you dont get serious about it.





090120
its been a week now that im thinking about hurting myself. i cant DO THIS. please oh my fucking god let me kill myself. "i wish you were in a real school"
I FUCKING KNOW. I KNOW YOU WANT A NORMAL KID. I KNOW I STRESS YOU OUT. I STRESSED MY MOM OUT TOO. SO, WHY, IF I CAUSE
SO MANY PROBLEMS, WHY WONT ANYONE LET ME FUCKING DIE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD FOR? I FORGOT WHT TIME MY THERAPY
WAS TOMORROW & SUDDENLY THAT MEANS ILL NEVER KEEP A JOB BC I CANT REMEMBER TIMES. I FUCKING FORGOT. YOU NEVER FORGET
ANYTHING? I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS ON MY MIND. SORRY. AGAIN. EVERYONE WISHES I WAS NORMAL. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL. FUCK
ALL OF YOU. YOURE WASTING SO MUCH TIME & MONEY. I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF. NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, NOT THIS MONTH.
BUT IT WILL HAPPEN. AND YOU WILL CRY. YOU WILL CRY EVERY TEAR YOU YELLED AT ME FOR.

thought i was done writing but im still shaking so i guess not. im THIS fucking close to ripping my thigh open with my fingernails. yeesh i swear a lot. whatever.
i feel better. still need to cut though. ok, just got yelled @ again - twice in the same morning! this time it was for not rising my coffee cup! and again about the job thing.
"i cant wait until you get a job & keep forgetting things. youll be out of there so fast."...like...okay. well if thats the case... im not even going to apply. again, if you have
so little faith in me, why do you want me here? im not trying to be dramatic. i am so serious. i will LEAVE. at any minute of any day.

"you act like its no big deal!, you cant do a fucking thing until you pass 10th grade!" I KNOW. I DONT THINK ITS A BIG DEAL? REALLY?
"this is why i want you in a real school" I FUCKING KNOW, "wake up at 7 like everyone else" ??? IM HAPPY IM GETTING OUT OF BED AT ALL.
NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.





08??20
i want to kill myself. im stupid and incapable of everything. nobody believes me. everyone thinks im exagerating. everyone mocks me. everyone says they want
me to get better. but i get mocked for crying. mocked for dissociating. mocked for fidgeting. yelled at for whatever the fuck. i know its no ones fault but mine.
you LOOOOVE to remind me its my fault. so why wont anyone let me fucking kill myself. i have no interest in getting better. im on meds & in therapy for my family.
its such an incredible waste of time. and money. why should i want to learn to drive. so we can spend more money on gas? insurance? why are you so eager to waste
your time on me. i said this years ago & i'll say it again. i want everyone to leave me alone. i dont like it here, i dont want to be here, im not happy here. let me pass.
i want quiet. stop fucking yelling PLEASE. i want a gunshot to be the last thing i hear, ever. then quiet. forever. i have nothing to contribute. i like school shooters and
the boston bombers for gods sake. the manson family comforts me more than my own. what could someone like me possibly give to anyone. im selfish. im bitter. we
driven away majority of my friends. on purpose too. like i said, i want 2 be LEFT ALONE. i sound so 'waa waa pity me im suicidal and bitchy' but this doesnt go away??
why wont it fucking go away? AND NO ONE BELIEVES ME!! because theres no way to describe it! "im suicidal" "why" "idk i just want to die" like its a goal or
something. to die one day. much better sooner than later. i want to be in control and i want it to be the last thing i do. GOD & cutting dont even get me started. why the
hell cant i cut myself? i never go deep enough 2 bleed out. it makes me happy. i love blood. i love touching blood. im not hurting anyone (but myself). why am i being
deprived of something so small that makes me feel so much better. FUCK FUCK FUCK the feeling passed but my statement remains.





08??20
im going to kill myself. i dont know when or how but im going to kill myself & its going to be my final "fuck you", i refuse to live with my head & my head
refuses to change. i cant live with being told i dont deserve to speak. im being hit in the side of the arm, saying youre going to, & i quote, "punch the glasses
off my face if i do that again"? do what? make a mistake? and you know what. i dont care. please for the love of YOUR god, hit me. i know you want to.
"when i do stupid stuff".. according to you thats everything i do. i dont care. everything passes so quickly, i'll get over this in 15 minutes but what DOESNT
pass is the fact no one & i mean no one can prevent the inevitable. medicate & therapy all you want, I WILL NOT PASS A CERTAIN AGE. FUCK ALL OF YOU.





08??20
i need to cut really bad. i can actually feel my leg tingling. its the only thing that takes the tenseness away. i dont know what else to do. i can feel it in my chest
like i need to vomit. why doesnt it go away. i distract myself but it doesnt go away & i need to bleed really really bad. i dont want to fucking be here. everyone
claims they want me better but show none of it. let me die god damn it. how much longer are you all going to put up with me. stooooooop. please. let this happen.
better now than when im older. its happening either way, sorry.
STOP PROLONGING ME
I WILL NEVER BELONG HERE
I AM GOING TO DIE YOUNG
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE





072820
brains been buffering. not much to say. stopped taking my zoloft for a few days but the headache wasnt worth it. plz stand by!





072520
for so long we begged for their understanding. one by one they mke an effort & one by one we realize that we were wrong. its not a matter of understanding.
they cant help themselves, moreso than us. differences that cant be accounted for. adjusted to. understood. we are not the same in every possible sense.

frustration you cant shake. its the dullest softest pain fathomable. longing to quit & trudging along until the opportunity arrises... again: do it your fucking self.





071820
good morning my name is tokyo just like a window im here to air it out BARK. woke up next to dylann roof this morning, jealous?





071720
whoever unfollowed me ur moms a hoe. gonna add a bunch of entries from 2019 & such. they should be at the bottom of this page, & if they arent, they
will be soon. actually maybe not i cant find anything that still resonates with me grr





071620
HII so..... my brain is malfunctioning again. brody told us her 'bigcon'! which wasnt that bad at all. i love peegirl for peegirl.. regardless. ive been feeling
super weird lately so thats why i havent written, but its passing a bit.

its about 7pm now, i need to talk about reb & vodka. because FUCK has twitter taken away way too much of their sentimentality for me. all the jokes
and roleplayers and claiming cases and fucking KINNIES. OHGGHGOD THE ERIC KINNIES. while i do love to believe in reincarnation, not all of
you are eric harris. who i am to say where reb is right now. but he is not inhabiting a couple handful of mentally ill preteens. the point of all this is!!!!
they are so..... how do i word this... powerful? even that sounds like an understatement. complain all you want about how divided or dumb the tcc has
become but dont dismiss the impact that all of these people have had on us. theres a FRENCH tcc. portuguese tcc. ARABIC TCC? and tons more ill
never meet. but all of these people, no matter what platform theyre on, no matter who theyre friends with, no matter whose guts they hate, we've all
connected with one case or another. thats what some of you need to realize!! this isnt about you!! the tcc isnt supposed to be your safe space. we're here
because something these people have said or done has touched a nerve in us and we felt the need to network with similar people. the need to network
with similar people..hmm.. sounds like a natural human instict. right! literally everyone does this whether its for social reasons, career reasons, religion,
ANYTHING. on the internet 'fandom' is the name this has been given. 'tcc' in our case. what i think makes the tcc different though is the weight of our
common interests. im sure most of us has had to go through the phase of 'wow. people were killed and im admiring their murderer'. because. yeah. its
fucked up, dont deny that. this is where we divide... oooooohh..... condoning. to that i say fuuuuuuck yooooou bro because if you lovepost abt someone
YOU FUCKING CONDONE & i will not change my mind. i simply do not fw noncondoners. if someone were to explain to me maybe.. how you can say
you LOVE eric or dylan or dylann or vlad and ALSO think they were wrong for killing. until the day someone can justify that, youre all delusional, and
not the good kind of delusional. as the man himself said, "just because your mommy and daddy told you blood and violence is bad, you think its a fucking
law of nature?" these people were angry. they were cornered. they lashed out. boohoo yknow? did it affect you? did your unborn fetus mourn rachel scott
the day it happened? then shut the fuck up. to the people it did affect, yeah, sorry, terrible things happen and one of them happened to you. the world does not
stop spinning because someone you love got shot. this is just my personal lack of empathy. ive known people who physically cannot stop themselves from feeling
secondhand pain & get genuinely upset over other peoples misfourtunes. i!! hate it! i hate it because i dont understand it. and heres more hypocrisy. i live by 'dont
hate what you dont understand'. its a great rule. but i cant wrap my head around caring SO deeply for another person. of course i care for my friends and family
but if something bad were to happen to them thats not.... my PROBELMSFHW that sounds so bad.. but.. i get so beaten down so easily that i dont really think i
can afford to take on sadness for anyone else. my brain is alllll over the place. you think i have the energy to worry about another persons brain too? take care of
your damn selves... i care about you to the extent that i want you to be okay & happy & i wish you well, but if you DONT take care of yourself.... i am not going
to do it for you. and im not going to feel bad for your lack of self sustainability.





070820
i had therapy at 3 this afternoon. it went well. it is 7pm now. i killed a butterfly today. i dont want to go into detail though. umHM.. groupchat rebellion
going on rn. bridget finally made the unspoken-but-needed girls chat. girls as in.. just us three. kinda made me.. happy. like to be thought of as a part of
our own minigroup.. we havent talked much outside the gc until now but ifjcodojsdchfudscju its just so scary having people i like again.





070720
i LOVE my FRIENDS. even when i feel detached from them i like having them there. myesha and i are getting more comfortable corresponding with each
other. shes from the UK, 15 i believe. i enjoy her company! i think meeting her was the only positive thing to come from my twitter era. brody left me my
first guestbook message. i would commit so many crimes for you peegirl. i have to muster up the energy to reply but when i tell you that made my week....
the faggotry... pls know that the feeling is totally mutual!! knowing you two has given me some incentive not to delete my online footprint and become the
hermit i was born to be. like i may have said before, i have so many lifepaths going on in the case that one or more of them break off or fail in any way. i kid
you not if the day comes where i dont go out with vince & fabio & hope, i will glady triple suicide with you. we can heavens gate that shit. but like prettier
and with a more complex meaning. .. . mini menhera suicide cult.. i like it.





070520
sooo i watched lolita last night. finally. it was free on youtube, the 1997 version, so i laid in bed from 10pmish to after midnight & watched the whole thing.
the rest of this entry has been redacted for legal reasons





070320
hello, 9:01pm friday july third. last few days have been weird mentally but its kind of exciting. its like i need to live some massivley underwhelming double life.
since i decided to completley blur the line between online persona and the way i act irl, its been a little less like a double life. i adopted my online persona to the
fullest extent and deny everything i stood for between ages 10-14/15. its easier than you may think but that might just be me & my head. but while i can ignore
who i used to be, it doesnt change the fact that it happened. [more redacted] to jump to another topic, i love my friends. im upset ive been putting off getting on
call but i try to be in the gc as much as possible but that comes off as clingy. whatever. bridget brody and i have decided our backup-backup plan will be going
off the grid together and overdosing on heroin. ive never entertained the thought. i hate heroin, its never peaked my interest at all. but as a method of suicide
its something 2 consider. i could gush & gush about how much i love that i finally have people i can joke about this stuff with. i say joke very lightly.. but you
know. id love to spend a week together with them. do a bunch of fun shit and treat ourselves and then DIE. i just think that the week of fun would make
me less suicidal so i dont know how easy thatd be. we would have to all have mental brekadowns and the same time and just pump that shit into each other. hypo-
thetically though. 10:17 now. smoking :) brody and this person named ash were in the gc a bit ago but i think brody went to work on her neocities too. bonding
activity..OH and fabio asked me earlier if i wanted to call him and play L4D while vince was working and i kind of just ghosted him. i feel bad, i like fabio a lot.
we're both fairly quiet on call though so idk how fun that would be. playing games while talking always helps though. grrr i shouldve done it.. ive been ghosting
julia as well. i think i told her i was coming over tomorrow. i want to go smoke more and go on pinterest or something. пока





070120
hello! long time. lots has happened. whether theyre legit things or just self-made & resolved interpersonal issues, beats me.
i dont feel like rambling about the last three months, but theyve been very important.





062620
heyo! 12:27pm friday. holy shit its the 26th already.. eugh. the last two days have been great. two days ago we cut the grass, i took a shower, then maddi came and
took me to get my eyebrows threaded! ive never had them threaded before. it was a shop up in sharonville run by a lil indian girl. maddi said that it hurt, but nothing
worse than a tattoo. which, i loved the tattoo pain lol. we smoked on the way to & from of course. maddis had good weed lately, i actually think G is buying off of her
soon.. shouldnt rly be talking about that here. anywho. then we went to a crystal shop in struthers. they had fuckinnnn crystals, necklaces, tarot cards, ouija boards, and
a ton of these lil sculptures of cats, fairies & whatever else. ive strayed so far from the whole witchy-ness aesthetic-vibe-type-thing. it doesnt suit me but its still comforting.





062220
hello i am high. last night i fell asleep crying about the manson family. i love lynette so very much. i talked to brody for a second last night, it was nice. she is very silly.
theyre all so easy to interact with. its scary actually. its been so long since i had.. reciprocating friends. i have julia but i admittedly take her for granted. i love her so so
much but im not exactly scared of losing her. i dont think she could cut me off if she wanted to.. i say that but that might just be my ego. im her best friend i think. i HOPE.
shes mine, thats for sure. but we dont have much in common anymore. we grew a lot as people together and we've been consistant friends through a shitton of things but
the deeper i get into 'true crime' & extremism the less i know how to act around her. around anyone for that matter. i know its my fault, i know its me changing, not anyone
else. thats what happened with karlie. thats what happened with lara. but now, as im making friends with similar beliefs, its like.. what can i possibly do to drive these freaks
away from me? i say freaks as lovingly as possible. and its not like i WANT to drive them away from me, fuck no. but every friendship has ended due to some aspect of my
personality. everything in time i suppose, i dont spend much time worrying about it but its always in the back of my mind. especially when i dont call for a day or two or miss
a big conversation while im sleeping. those things are bound to happen but theyre not things that im used to.

hi! its 6pm now. we went out to warren today in the middle of a tornado i guess. the sirens and radio were going off but we drove through it like it was a thunderstorm. thats all
it ended up being really, someone said it touched down in lordstown but i didnt see it myself. lots of lightning, lots and lots of rain. my dads friend said i can probably work for
his catering service in august. im excited, ive been waiting to get a job. but now that its here im nervous. i guess that was expected too.. grr.. self awareness am i right? i had an
exchange with hope today in the groupchat. i made me happier than i would have expected. i dont have the desire to be her friend as much as i do with brody or puppy, but it was
nice to talk directly to each other. when i type it out like that i physically cringe at how interation-starved i am. theres no use in trying to deny it, but its pathetic and gross and i hate it.
its not like.. a reoccuring issue or anything, its not inherently bad, i just dislike it.





062120
5pm sunday. yesterday my dad and i went up to my uncles house. (his brother) and we went to the fairport harbor beach place or whatever. it was nice. i enjoy
sunlight a whole lot, but i burn so easily. my dad and i walked down to the water and back while my uncle sun tanned. we sat and talked on the bench for an hour,
in the shade, but my legs still got red. i heard a lady speaking a slavic language to her daughter and pretty quickly picked it up as russian. i couldnt really understand
any of it, but i told my dad and of course he leaned over and told her i liked her language. she said they just came to america a year ago, but her basic english was great
actually. heavy accent but thats a plus. i love the ride to and from my uncles but i dont particularly enjoy being there. ive never been close with him, we're both standoffish.
oh and he doesnt have wifi but my hotspot sufficed. brody got me back on msp ahah. its only fun cuz i used to have vip. anyway. drove home at like 7am. by 11 i was
exaushted but didnt end up taking a nap. been on the computer all day. usually i entertain myself but ive been super bored today. i need to throw myself back into columbine
& the manson family. very soon too. fight club, manson family & columbine seemed to be an unhealthy combo but i have no idea why it didnt last long. today feels incomplete?
i want to accomplish something before i sleep.





061920
hello, it is 2am currently. today went very quickly. yesterday i should say. i took a nap around one or two since i had to sleep on julias fucking sofa last night.
she always wants me to come to her house. why? i understand she doesnt want to come here all the time, but i cannot fucking sleep when im there.
either im on a couch, a cot, the floor, her BROTHERS COUCH. not to mention shes a sixteen year old girl that needs a light on to fall asleep. at least she
says she does. i dont let her do that shit at my house and she sleeps perfectly fine. she said its because her mom always asks what my house smells like.
my house smells like weed, donna. plus now julia doesnt even smoke anymore. she complains that we dont have as much fun as we did the summer of 2018
but we literally spent every other week losing our minds upstairs. she used to give me money to buy it for us and now she wont come over my fucking house.
i cant say im surprised because similar things have happened before with other people. BUT same as all the other bullshit thats thrown at me, ill deal with it.

its 4pm now. waking up was rough today for some reason but once i got up i felt better. went shopping so now theres food in the house but i havent really
decided if thats a good thing or a bad thing. got sparkling waters :) uhh i guess i should touch on the fact im back on track with my own little agenda.
i was distracted for a few months but im back and it feels good. our friend group is growing. now we have two girls my age i believe. we've had hope so its
not like im the only girl but hope and i have never really spoken. and shes older i believe, i thought i heard 23 but i could be wrong. it would be weird if vince &
fabio werent 20/21 but i enjoy the age differences. i think it gives perspective on a lot of things. and according to past experiences i dont mingle incredibly well
with people my age, let alone men. boys i should say. young men if you will. anyway. i like both girls so far, im not going to put their names here, at least not yet.
not sure why. but i also wont refer to them as peegirl & puppy lol. as cute as both names are. im going to stop writing and work on this site. до скорого.





053120
"When youre HIGH you love everybody but the secret is basically you dont give a damn. That is whats so nice! HIGH floating above like you could drop a bomb
on your own house and theres your family rushing out their clothes and hair on fire and screaming for help and you would smile because it would not touch you.
Secrets no one else knew. You cant believe the power you posses until someone instructs how to unleash it. The plan was to establish trust."
-The Corn Maiden

"the girls got a lot to be mad about.
but in the first moment of waking up she knows shes losing it."
- bell & sebastian : shes losing it





05??20
i'm a very impressionable person. i dont think theres a single aspect of me that wasnt influenced by someone or something else. this disgusts me, but it isnt something
that can be undone. theres a lot of things that im learning i have no control of. and while this may be common knowledge, i do things in extremes. the things i dont have
control over do not matter in the slightest. the things i can control, i have to take hold of 100%. i need to gauge everything by level of relevence. anything that i would
normally do by time im 18, i still need to do. ie: school, driving, job. other things such as social life have been lifted from me completely. the more people in my life,
the higher the chances of second guessing or being found out. i occupy myself. i wouldnt say that im lonely. i know its for the greater good. all i seem to do is hurt people.
so i would never encourage befriending me. that being said, many other things keep me company. music, firstly. a wide variety. my favorite as of may 2020 is ic3peak.





041820
APRIL EIGHTEENTH. mental health is weird. everything is weird. people are weird. i cant articulate anything.
twitter. cats. backyard. eve sniffing a candle. dylan klebold. eric harris. sol pais. dylann roof. rina palenkova. devi mccallion.
jeffery dahmer. richard ramirez. ted bundy. my cats. outdoors. bliss & stupidity. weekly reset of thinking.

we're not all in the same world. we are but theres so many ways of seeing things & youre all so ignorant.





021220
fantasieren uber reb an einem mittwochnachmittag.





020920
nun! heute ist viel passiert!





020820
привет!





020720
jesus fick ich bin unglaublich.





020520
ah reb, ich muss dir jetzt auf deutsch schreiben. englisch ist zu einfach für die zombies. weißt du? ich habe versucht, mir russisch beizubringen,
aber ich glaube nicht, dass ich so viel lerne, wie ich möchte. im moment konzentriere ich mich auf die aussprache, aber ich bin sicher, dass ich irgendwann verstehen werde.
ach bin ich aus irgendeinem grund mehr von russisch als deutsch angenzogen. es ist schwieriger, das sage ich dir. ich schribe dir auf deutsch, vladik auf russisch...
hatte dylan eine lieblingssprache? ich bin sicher, er hat ein interesse an deutschland wie sie, aber ich habe ihn noch nie benutzt. ich kann leider nicht auf englisch mit ihm reden.
deutsch muss für euch beide sein. и тебе новый привет владик <3 ich sollte schlafen. ich möchte jedem von euch eine sprache geben. du, dylan, vlad...leslie, vielleicht? nein..
charlie e le ragazze...parlerò in italiano. pensavo che sarebbe stata la mia quarta lingua oltre al giapponese. e kanji è in incubo da scrivere. peccato che linglese sia fuori discussione.
forse questo mi aiutera ad imparare piu velocemente. vielleicht. italienisch könnte langweilig werden. oh, und wenn ich nicht direkt mit jemandem spreche, wechsle ich zwischen
deutsch und russisch. okay, spaß, das ist erledigt. ich liebe ruch alle, gute nacht endlich.

утро))) головная боль. schule machen..kaum. sie haben jetzt schusswaffenspürhunde in schulen. kannst du das glauben?!

oh, reb, habe ich es dir gesagt? ich have offiziell die kmfdm bußgeld. juli baby!! ich bringe ihren hut und dogtag mit mir. bitte kommen sie mit wenn sie können.

ich bin so fettttt, ich fühle mich ekelhaft :(





011520
REB! kmfdm is going on tour this summer. youd love it. not sure if theyre going to colorado. - fuck that train of thought. you irritate me, ty.
do you have no concept of privacy? if i say dont read my shit, dont read my shit. URRRGH NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY ! ! ! !





010920
do i smell like weed as much as i think i do? follow up question- would that be a pro or a con? hmm. turns out dakota might be the chatty middleschooler.
idk why i assumed she was a boy. oh, i sat down next to maria a second ago & her computer went haywire. the alarm-beeping noise, the YOU HAVE A VIRUS
popup- the whole shabang. i am ene enomoto *takes a bow*

hello again. its 6:41. im upset. over the plane that iran shot down because they were fuckin scared that the U.S was striking back at those other 5 missles they sent to
some bases of ours in iraq. meanwhile australia burns up. makes me sick. part of me loves it.... but it makes me... eugh.





010820
iran huh? gosh another war is juuuust what we need. fuck a war, lets all just go crazy. FUCK A WAR, WHAT WE NEED IS AN APOCALYPSE.
nuke the smaller countries and burn the bigger ones to the dirt! a world-wide reset would be beautiful. if people wanted to procreate & build society again - go ahead.
otherwise we wipe out all human life & let the world go silent again. ahh..to phase me whatsoever if people die. people that i dont know. if i dont know you, why the fuck would
i waste my energy on mourning you? thats similar to what anton lavey said once. something along the lines of "you cannot love everyone and it ridiculous to think that you can."





010420
heyo! happy new year. it is no longer декабрь. auu. missing dylann big time. gonna get fuckt tonight hyahahaaa.





122019
how symbolic. isnt everything? church bells chime in the distance as i walk to my school doors. a mockery, is what it is. like im walking to an execution.
my own? not sure. gonna be 16 in two days. crazy. girl next to me (the artsy one) has pretty handwriting. shes using different colors too.
hayden said im the only person they know that can make a 9 look like a backwards P. what does that even mean. my hand hurts.
girl's name is maria [redacted]. HAHA shes writing notes for a boy named matthew P. interesting. YOOOO tiktok lookin pretty boy's name os jayson!
quirky and definitley tiktok esque. one pretty boy left to identify! oooh ultra-violence. havent heard that in a minute! mrs remick slipping us mint m&ms. thanks.





121419
stupid stupid stupid as always. reb & vodka continue to teach me things. new emotions. im in yet another weird place. i cant stand the way i look.
i need to catch up with school but my head is in a million places. im almost 16, gross. i cant believe im still here. i hate this. is this the
awareness they spoke of? it comes in waves of varying intensity. an invisible burden. not me, but this. i dont know what THIS is.
the outside is so dreary now. mocking me. self loathing is such a weak feeling. i really need to quit it. the doom soundtrack fuckin bangs btw.





121119
eugh. sitting at a table with two middle-schoolers makes me shake like a leaf. pathetic. yuck yuck yuck! i cant stop!
& my hair wont cooperate. why do i always feel like everyone is looking @ me? they arent. "geeeawd!" george harrison boy is here again.
cant stop glancing @ him & i dont even know his name. gahh we're both wearing ringssss.

*writes* this is not my writing. #HAYDEN: hi ⚝~

MOTHERFUCKER I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER HHGNGFFF UCKING I AM IMMESURABLY DUMB. urrgh....
i also spoke very breifly w/ the girl across from me but.... I CANT BELIEVE I STOPPED HIM IN THE HALL. I CANT BELIEVE MYSELF!!!!





120619
maddie and dylan are getting my head back on the right track. i didnt buy these for no reason.





111519
am i really going to cry about eric harris at 9:30AM. they dont test for what ive got, connie. they rly do not.
girl pretty. boy pretty. aah. pretty girl's name is kiera [redacted].





110119
boy: *comes within maybe 5ft of me*
me: hey baby u wanna [redacted] ;)
joking.. joking. but the entrance didnt look like it had metal detectors and no one checks bags.





103119
oh reb, how did you get your hands on [redacted]? i wish you wrote it down.





103019
in austintown! just did abt 3hrs of school here. boring as hell but its easier to focus. as always, [redacted]. lotta white girls though.
and im one of them, hah! oh update. [redacted]. idc hics like guns either way.





102919
didnt go to school today like the fucking dissapointment that i am. ive been bullshitting the last three weeks with zero consiquence other than my own brain.
i have this idea that school is lifes ultimatum or something. its not. its important maybe but it really isnt the be all and end all. get that out of your head!





102819
well. i guess now is as good a time as any. im writing again. for what - i dont know. it feels right. i read some of R+V's journals tonight.
part of me wants to verbaitim a bunch of their writings into the second book. but i also want to use it as a continuation for when i run out of space in here.
i dont really want my first attempt at transcribing my head to be written in a hot pink pocketbook. there were no good dark notebooks at motherfucking DOLLAR TREE.
i want to hold out for a better book to write in. but i need to get thoughts down while theyre still fresh. on my period. breaking out. beyond mad about it.
i wanted to call volume two a 'new bible' but ive decided against it. i hate the bible so i want my collection to have no affiliation with it. lavey did that though.
the satanic bible is a thing. i dont think ive hit the point where i identify as my own religion just yet. its a work in progress. im still laveyan. i need to sleep now.
im going to the ~schoolhouse~ tomorrow. at least theybe got cute walls. ill start volume two tomorrow, reb wouldnt want someone trying to reword his writings.
instead ill quote him word for word. because "if no one quotes you, you probably havent said a thing worth saying."